Monday, June 29, 2009

The First Intention

The First Intention

Many experiences in this world can be seen as journeys. Often sitting still for 5 minutes is a journey, a trip to the super market, especially in this city, can be a journey of its own, a story we hear is often a journey-like experience, and the most common journey is the one we set out on with great intention, physical separation from the regular, and as opportunity for exploration, experimentation, and the culmination of everything that is everything.

I am about to set out on a journey that transforms location, responsibility, and experience. Far too often in this city, I compromise my wants, needs, and experiences in order to flow with the breaths of a landscape of beautiful, fun, busy people. In that I ignore the low murmur of a tired body, a sad soul, or a frightened child wanting to be held and nurtured. As I do my best to visit with all of those things, I am still distracted by those that look like me, the temptations of abundance and indulgence.

As I depart this concrete jungle, laced with trees and parks, filled with eyes and souls, I aim for nature, natural, loud murmurs usually un heard. In the past when I have left (or gone) with this intention, I have often met negativity, pain, loneliness, the desire to run. This time, as is true with each new time, I hope to be more accustomed to my own needs, fears, and habits, so that I can greet each feeling of struggle with the nurturing I need in the city. To develop that self care that seems only possible when I view myself as myself, instead of an entity of one community.

I set this intention 2 weeks before departure. Without any idea of what I am about to face. This time, unlike all other times (maybe?) I have set up comforts for myself that I have not previously allowed myself. Often I would do things that made me feel comfortable but would do them with guilt and rush. This time, I will do them with acceptance. Hotels, internet, resting time, yoga, self-love, relaxation when necessary. I will do these things with love and acceptance. Instead of just rushing to the part that is different from my life right now.

In my recent past I have been laced with sadness and loneliness in places full of friends, literally full of my friends, people I have been able to connect with, remember and greet on the street. So why this continual loneliness, what am I missing? What is not calling to me? What am I not calling to? On this quest I hope to spend more time with the inner voice, to discover what I need in order to develop myself into happiness and strength. So, my goal, amongst other things is to fulfill my curiosities, my relationships, and my SELF with wholeness.

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