Tuesday, August 11, 2009

And yet again I "pause"

Of course I would like to believe that pausing is what I have been doing for the past 40 days. I can’t say that is 100% true, but I’ve been trying, and I suppose that is all we can do.

I have been so blessed, loved, and am overwhelming grateful for the experiences, conversations, exchanges, and smiles I have had along this journey.

Where am I?
Where am I coming from?
Where am I going?

I am in Toledo visiting my bestie from college and her family. As an out of state roommate, Boo and her family consistently took me into their home, fed me, and offered support throughout my time in Ohio, it is heart warming to be back in their home for a pool side visit:)

I am coming off of a week in the woods with 4,000 womyn. A gathering in the state of Michigan, one that offers music, workshops, communal vegetarian meals, and a one of a kind of living experience has officially stolen my heart. I could write pages and pages of my experience, but I will try to brief. I have been exploring the festival scene for a few years, looking for myself inside of these cultural events, attempting to conceptualize what it means to be festive, to retreat, to get our feet off of the ground. Witnessing the community and connection of annual festival goers at each festival, I have finally found myself inside of this one. Communal meals, participation (each person is expected to volunteer for two work shifts), ultimate Frisbees, flirting, hugs, smiles, connection, oh woman oh womyn friends, my heart bubbles with joy as I recall the happiness, blessing, comfort, and fluidity I found on that land. I will do everything in my powers to return next year, and I will gladly bring friends if you wish to join:)

Where am I going? Gosh I don’t even know. I mean I know where I am going physically, but in side of my heart, I just don’t even know, and I am so excited!

Physically, I’m gunna enjoy the bumming around with boo (who is on a summer vay-kay from law school/internship) and then head down to south eastern Ohio for the next two weeks. Visiting Columbus, Athens, the hocking hills and then a wedding in yellow springs! From there I head to my parents house for a few days of recovery before I head back to SF. (I return Aug. 27th. Meet me at Dolores park on august 29th for a b day picnic potluck!) Also, in other SF news, I have a room opening in my apt and we plan on creating a meditative, communal, warm home, with reasonable rent (a major perk) if you are interested, please let me know!

My friends, I cannot even begin to describe the joy I have discovered on this journey. In the past I was able to produce these really intense e-mail updates, about my internal processes, my struggles, the pain in my heart. I was probably pretty discrete about it, but travel hurt my heart, it's solitude, it's unknown, the fear, doubt, and reliance on the universe, but on this journey I am finding so much fluidity with all of that, my heart is melting with love for myself, for others, and for the human experience, for the ability to share, communicate, grow, help, exist. Every day I am blown away by the curiosity I find with each new experience, I didn't realize this continued to happen, that I was going to grow in this direction, but its happening and I am so ridiculously GRATEFUL! I left with the goal of doing it alone and finding a way to have fun with myself, to find that joy and peace in solitude I couldn’t find as a child, and I am flirting with the discovery of presence, curiosity, belief, and truth. Thank you for all of your help along the way.

I will give you all some fun stats from the past 40 days:

Nights slept in a tent: 31
"Rent" (all camp sites and hotel costs): 160 (40 being the one time I stayed in a hotel with friends)
Days where FBI (full body immersion (into water (and sometimes rain or rowboats counted☺) was successful: at least 27
Miles: 3500+
Smiles shared: 1 million and counting
Number of PBJs consumed: 14
Miles on bike: 127
Ok the last few stats were simply educated guesses.

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