Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hello Friends,

I have been really excited about this Blogging adventure combined with my access to a working computer and internet! This is new for me, most adventures in the past were with slow computer, lack of organization, or nothing electronic! Well I have had this past week “free” to prepare. As I mentioned in my last post I have been scrambling to find sublet, fix bike, take care of tasks around house, etc. What I haven’t mentioned is all the internal stuff I have had to deal with. Ironically, all of the stress I have experience from the last minute uncertainty, has actually served to “distract” me from my deepest of fears and stresses. Now that I am completing things on my To Do list, I am facing them. Once Kendra leaves on Wednesday, July 8th, I will be traveling “alone” until the 24th. Now no one is ever really alone, if there aren’t people, there are trees and squires, and the inner dialog. And that’s why I am doing this, I want to spend time with my inner dialog. My fear for this journey is being much louder than my internal voice. I hear so many horror stories about travelers who are taken advantage of, abused, stolen from, and I am so afraid that that will happen to me. Part of me fears being a woman who sticks out, gender queer, independent, coming from San Francisco, etc. I fear that people do no like that in different parts of this country. I am terribly afraid I will be that story no one, but everyone, wants to hear. I’m kind of afraid my fear will become reality if I don’t release it, deal with it (love it) and walk with confidence. I aim to project more positive intention without building heavy expectations. As I am processing this fear, its roots, its meaning, and trying to break it down with my experience of good, abundance and communal support, I am finding more layers of fear that I associate with independence. The next fear that comes up is the idea that each decision I make on this trip is my own. In my last big America trip each decision was shared with my tribe. For two months, Eric and I were a team, then Wormz, Eric, and I were the deciding team for 2.5 more months. If some thing went wrong, we were all in it together. Now if some thing goes wrong, it’s on me. I’m the deciding factor. Man that’s a lot of responsibility. It’s ironic really. I am leaving the city because the responsibility of job day in and day out, rent, social functions, all of that, has been feeling heavy. But I am leaving it for what currently feels like a much heavier decision making experience.

Thankfully my roommate has reminded me that i am A. capable and good and B. those stories i am afraid of are a very small percentage of the actual experiences people have.

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